gabrielle aplin - start again

For the past few months, Ive been trying to challenge myself if I can try to be a minimalist. I've been throwing some of my stuff, some of my clothes, and even some of the most sentimental things I keep. Growing up, I have always been a pack-rat. Keeping everything from movie tickets to receipt from where my friends and I hung out. Those junk can always be found in my wallet together with some wallet-sized photos I had developed from photo shops and even some 1x1 photos of some of my friends. For a change, I decided to throw off some of the things I didn't need anymore. Besides that, I've been trying to numb myself as well to some of the things. I've been conditioning myself that this will make me safe in the long run (No, I'm not a fugitive). I just decided to myself that It's best not to dwell on the past, and besides it makes my room clutter-free, although I'm not really bothered by the mess. It's just that I'm trying to distance myself from my emotions, and if ever just keep everything in my mind as much as possible. So today, I decided to burn some of the letters I kept. Well, It's not really letters, those are actually my failed diary. The earlier ones where never really finished. That's the thing about me , I always liked the idea of diaries and planners but I always only end up like a week after. The last one was actually a school project. If it weren't for my class, I wouldn't have accomplished a 40-day diary. It feels liberating to burn everything. I'm planning to burn the letters when I'm ready. I don't think I'm ready yet. I can't deny in me that there are times I really like going back and looking in the past, like these letters I got from my friends. But I know, I will burn them soon enough. But today, I just want to focus on my diaries. Unfortunately though I wasn't able to read it for the last time before throwing it off and burn it. I don't know what's up with me but I find it comforting to hurt myself, emotionally. Like this one, I listen to sadcore while I force myself to burn things that matter to me. I try to make myself numb to everything. I don't know what's up with me.